How Can You Miss Someone You’ve Never Met?

Tonight, I feel like I miss someone. So I’ve been searching my mind trying to figure out just which ex- has got my mind in such a state after a relatively good day. The best that I can come up with is that I don’t miss a particular person. Instead, I miss having someone.

There is a certain comfort in just knowing that you’ve crossed someone’s mind during the day…of knowing that they’re watching the clock until it’s time to see you just as you are doing for them. There is a certain warmth that comes from knowing that when you get home there will either be someone there to hold you or someone to call you and check on your day.

I think that’s what I miss. I miss intimacy. Sigh. I hope that it comes (back) soon.

Loving Me...

“Everything I’ve learned about myself, my capacity to love, my glaring contradictions, my ugly insecurities, my magical ability to heal, I’ve learned by being in relationship with others. Work is so important, and sometimes life saving, but we are here to be in relationship with one another.” ~dream hampton

I had it all wrong!

There was a time when I believed that I needed a man. (I still do, but follow me for a moment.) Once upon a time, I thought that having a man would prove to the rest of the world that I was beautiful. I wasn’t necessarily seeking validation FROM a man but from those that would “see” our relationship.

See, I presumed that having a boyfriend proved to the world that I was desirable, attractive, and full of value. If a man found it pleasurable to be in a relationship with me, I assumed the relationship, no matter how toxic it was behind closed doors, would demonstrate to others that I was beautiful inside and out. Because of these beliefs, I placed way too much emphasis on having a male in my life instead of a man. (Yes, we all should know that there is a difference.)

Over the years, I learned the painful lesson that no man, no single person period, can bring you joy. No single person can complete you. No single person, other than you, can prove anything about who or what you are or will become. And because of that, no one has to tolerate an unhealthy relationship—of any nature—to achieve these things.

True joy, true beauty, true happiness? They all manifest from deep within. A terrible relationship cannot bring these things to us; it can only push them further away. Putting our energy (and therefore our power) into maintaining a dis-eased communion is a waste of effort. The time we spend nurturing, sexing, cooking for, pretty-ing up for someone else should be spent nurturing, cooking for, pretty-ing up for, and yes, even sexing ourselves. When we put our energy into our own wellness, then that’s when what we really want will blossom in and around us….joy, beauty, and love.

(Now, let me get back to the fact that I still believe that I need a man. I no longer need a man to complete me. Now, I need a man to complement me. I want someone to be a partner and a lifelong comrade with whom I can make tomorrow a perfect day to do and to be better. But until he comes, I will continue to learn to love myself for all of my good, bad, and ugly.)

Peace, Love, and Light,
tdp

True Beauty...

This past week, my 99-year old grandmother was crowned the Queen of her assisted care living facility. That’s right, this beautiful elder won her beauty pageant! As I go about trying to clean up my eating and become (re)dedicated to physical activity attending her pageant was just the right medicine to keep me motivated but also to allow me to step back and see just what kind of beauty I truly seek for myself.

I was reminded, watching her and the other women making their way across the “stage,” that true beauty is marked by one’s service to his/her families, commitment to excellence, and to grace and dignity. Beauty is NOT inherently linked to one’s waist or bust size, nor to the length of one’s hair or the color of one’s skin. No. True beauty is the mark of one’s character.

This is not to say that one cannot , or should not, seek to beautify their exterior Self. However, if that individual does not also invest in the beautification of their inner Self , then the outer will matter nil. Further, if a potential mate values the outer over the inner, then that mate’s worth needs to be questioned.

I am convinced that when we live in accordance with our Higher Selves—that is the part of us intimately related to Spirit—then we are indeed beauty personified. And that kind of beauty, my friends, doesn’t require a sash or roses to be rewarded. Our daily lives become more beautiful when we celebrate the beauty of just being whom and what we have been made to be.

So, this week, as I meet with my trainer and shop at the farmer’s market, I will also be sure to create and implement some beautification rituals that will work on the “real” me too—the one that has to be experienced to truly be seen.

Here’s to manifesting beauty!

Peace, Love, and Light,
tdp

Saw this on another website....

“Women of color in america have grown up within a symphony of anger, at being silenced, at being unchosen, at knowing that when we survive, it is in spite of a world that takes for granted our lack of humanness, and which hates our very existence outside of its service. And I say symphony rather than cacophony because we have had to learn to orchestrate those furies so that they do not tear us apart. We have had to learn to move through them and use them for strength and force and insight within our daily lives. Those of use who did not learn this difficult lesson did not survive. And part of my anger is always libation for my fallen sisters.”

Audre Lorde, “Uses of Anger”

Grateful

As part of my journey I am learning to celebrate all that it means to be me. One project that can be done often to facilitate this celebration is the creation of a gratitude journal. I used to keep one a few years ago, but I think I'll pick it back up. Every few days or so I would sit and do a free-write on all those things for which I was grateful. My lists tended to vary from the very important (my loving family ) to the seemingly trivial (Jill Scott's new single). It was funny that no matter what mood I was in when I started my list, by the end of it I was in a better mood.

Too often we spend time thinking about where we are lacking and what we need. However, where our minds and attention flow, so too does the energy of creation. When we choose to spend time focusing on those things we do not like, we are failing to send energy to those things for which we are grateful. As the old folks say, "what we resist persists." In other words, the time and energy we spend lamenting about our lack of energy could be spent in the sun enjoying nature (and refueling our cells). The energy we spend complaining about boredom could be spent getting lost in a book. The time we spend hating our physical bodies could be spent creating recipes for clean, healthy eating or in the gym using our muscles.

Elders have said that we should claim all victories and accept no defeat. This applies to our attention as well. Celebrate those little things that make you who (and what) you are. Those minute details that others criticize? Take only a few minutes to reflect on their truth and then either (1) use this information to do and to be better or (2) toss it out of your mind and keep moving.

There is joy all around us, let us be grateful for the opportunity to tap into it at will. Choose happiness through gratitude and joy will abound. Tomorrow is a new day to be and to do better.

Peace, Love, & Light,
tdp

Ready for someone who thinks like this....

Bob Marley on how to love a woman

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

- Bob Marley

Our First Date (Me, Myself, & I)

Today was pretty good. I went to the zoo all by myself! As I pulled up to a full parking lot and searched for parking along the street, my heart started racing. What was I doing?! Everyone would be staring at me. I’d look like a fool walking around taking pictures all by myself. But……. I fought the anxiety and gathered my things and got out of the car. Courage doesn’t mean anything if you don’t use it.

By the time I got up to the ticket booth, I could feel my anticipation mellowing. I looked around and realized—no one was paying me any attention. And in that moment? I felt FREE. The weather was beautiful and the animals were amazing. Mother Nature is truly a gorgeous thing. After several hours, I decided to treat myself to my favorite—pad thai.

After a late lunch, I caught the –itis LOL. I came home and cuddled on the sofa for a while. If I had been with a man, I would’ve thought this was a perfect date. And I must admit, even without a man, the day has been pretty great. But then….

I was tooling around on FB and saw that the last man I was dealing with was joking with a mutual friend. This man who disappeared on me last week without notice was going on with life as usual as of I didn’t even exist. It blew my high. I sucked it up and went outside to walk the dog and try to clear my head. And what did I see? A mother teaching her son to ride a bike. (See my previous entry about Forgotten Women to understand what that means to me) Two hits to the heart in a matter of minutes. DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!!!!

Now, I’m sitting here trying to get myself together…again. Even though I’m feeling some kinda way right now, I will still enter today in the W column. I won and tomorrow is a new one to do and to be better.

Peace, Love, and Light,
tdp

To paraphrase a friend

Sometimes we do not find out we are strong until we are given the heavy loads.

For the Women Like Me...

To the Forgotten Women
Mother’s Day has been a very painful day for me for the last five or six years. It seems selfish to even type that, but it’s my most honest statement about what the day symbolizes for women like me who desperately want a baby but have not (yet) been blessed in that way. Every year, I am reminded of the failures that led me to this place—childless, husbandless, incomplete. Every year, I try to honor the mothers around me while still dealing with unparalleled feelings of failure because I do not have children. See, I’m not a typical modern woman with feminist leanings. I am an old-fashioned Southern woman who thinks a woman’s ultimate and most powerful duty is to bear and to raise children with a responsible man.

So again, like the many years before, I spent the last few days pouting about my fate—feeling hopeless and lonely about the possibilities that may or may not present themselves. Then today, my ancestors spoke loudly and clearly and reminded me that:

I am a Mother (though not yet in flesh).

I birth words that change the world around me.

From my womb leaps creativity as courageous as Kirikou,

as powerful as Sango,

as beautiful as Erzulie.

I am a Mother because I birth myself through and from my own tears.

So today when I gave my female ancestors their flowers, I bought some just for the Mother that lives already within my skin. Happy Mother’s Day to all of the Women just like me.

~tdp

The Mission

Somewhere along the line, I think I forgot to love myself. And for the last two years I’ve been learning to be single again. It’s been a long and painful journey, but I’m now at a place where I’ve begun to understand that real happiness comes from within. No single person (not even a gorgeous, intelligent man) should be more responsible for my joy than me.

This blog will be about me learning to love me. As is the case in any relationship, true love begins with getting to know your partner. This will be a place where I document the journey of me getting to know me. I’m pretty sure that during the process I will fall in love with myself all over again.

I’m excited about the possibilities and hope that my journey encourages someone else to take the time to explore what it means to be them and to love the process and themselves immensely.

Here’s to living fully, sensually, and joyfully.

Peace, Love, & Light,

tdp